Monday, February 16, 2015

Gap Year: Part 2

My mom laughed at me when I told her that being an adult was hard.  I mean, she was right. I was working two part time jobs, living in her house, eating her food and still calling her when I needed to get my car fixed. My mom is usually right. She didn't laugh at me when I told her I have decided to go to Australia for up to a year. She told me that it is something I probably need to do before I am actually an adult. She is right.

So when I look at my decision to stay undecided about my future, guilt and anxiety rushes through my veins. A pang of disappointment when people ask me, "Is this all about a boy?" because I can't say, "No, it's only about me." It is because of a boy... but not for a boy.

It is for me.

It is about giving love a chance for once. So far, being in a long distance relationship feels like being single. Except without every fun part of being single. It feels like being in a relationship. Except without almost every fun part of being in a relationship. It still feels like a table for one, third wheel invites and Friday night with Netflix... and only Netflix. It's like watching Grease 2 because it is on TV and you just missed watching Grease. It's knowing you can't cry loud enough for them to hear your tears. So you have to call them and say, "I am sad and need you to comfort me." They can offer sweet words but no hugs. It is strong and fragile and incomplete... but full of hope and love. Enough to fill hours of skyping, just to call back and say you haven't had enough. Enough to sit through lonely holidays because being without them is better than not having them at all. Enough of it to give me courage to pick up and follow my uncertainties to the other side of the world.

I have three regrets in my life, one of those including the time in preschool when I told my mom I didn't want to ride in her car for a class field trip. The second, was the bullshit college major I chose. The third was not listening to my heart when I should've taken a risk. Three is enough. I won't let myself hold myself back again.

The closer the time comes for me to go, the more I realize that I have zero of my shit together; another sign that I am not adult. But I am excited to pay the consequences of my shortcomings. To take a risk and roll with it, however it may turn out. I think that is how you become an adult. I'm not sure. Maybe. I guess we shall see, eh?