Slam Poetry Night at Kaya Coffee House

I needed to check this off my bucket list. I really enjoyed performing and I am going to continue to write so my work can mature and I won't be so self-conscious. Hope you like them! And if you don't, don't tell me. I am not ready for constructive criticism yet!

She said she usually cried at least once each day..

not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short.

― Brian Andreas

Dear Santa,

I need to be honest with you big guy, I know your secret. You aren’t real. But because I no longer get candles on my birthday cake, I have never seen a shooting star, I forget and tell people what I wished for on 11:11 and I am still not so sure about that Jesus man, you are really the only one I can send my wishes to. So here goes, and let’s try to not skimp this year… I don’t need another slinky:

1. First off, our Christmas tree is about twice the age of me, so I would first like to request a less pathetic tree to hang our ornaments on.
2. I know I have asked before but I didn’t want you to forget about creating world peace and curing famine. It is easily forgotten when kids in America are crossing their fingers for an iPhone, kids across the world are hoping they wake up to something to eat and clean water.
3. Back to the selfish traditions of the American Christmas: I wish I could snap my fingers and someone would arrive to give me a two-hour full body massage whenever I pleased.
4. My sister lives far too far away for my liking, so shorten the distance from Midland to Chicago by about 5 hours thank you very much.
5. The haircut I got from my ear surgeons, it’s got to go… reverse please?
6. On that note, it would be stellar if I could hear crystal clear without those surgeries.
7. You know that heartbreak I got earlier today? At first I was thinking to make sure he gets nothing but coal, but what I realized is that I want him to be happy. So what I will ask for instead is to eliminate jealousy and the fear letting myself feel deeply for someone. I’ll keep the heartache for now, I think it will make me stronger as long as I am open, take risks & not take things so seriously. Just don’t let me die alone. (I can’t be a cat woman, I hate them.)
8. If I am making wishes, might as well make ‘em big! How about an all-expenses-paid-roundtrip month long vacation across Europe?
9. You might have to pull a few strings but mostly I just want my dad back. I would give back every Christmas gift I have ever gotten and forget about my previous requests for just this one.
10. Oh and obviously it costs about $40,000 to pay for my schooling. I think you can get a payment plan for that but hey, you are Santa, threaten them with the naughty list and they might cut you a break.

My list would get far too long if I started making all the wishes for the happiness of the people I love because I think the number is close to 6 billion and the world keeps growing. In all honesty, they know what makes them happy more than I do. So my last wish is that they make a list of their own and for each one that you can’t fit under their tree, give them the strength, passion and confidence to capture it themselves.

18%

On a rough estimate 300/365 days of the year I am extremely empowered to be single (reference previous blog).

82% of my year I wake up and am responsible for my own happiness.

10 Reasons I am happy being single:

1. I wake up and do what I want.

2. My friends will never break up with me.

3. I can buy my own dinner.

4. I get more sleep, my teddy bear doesn't take up much space.

5. I don't wait on texts or phone calls... I make them.

6. My relationships are stronger because I have more to give.

7. I have guy friends. For real.

8. I don't give people the power to break me.

9. I have mastered self-soothing. Ice cream + sleep = less tears.

10. Having a crush is the worst feeling in the world, and I don't have to deal with that heartache.

Really the list can continue, but I want to get to more of what I wanted to talk about: times when I am acutely aware of being single. Ironically most of them seemed to pile up over my Christmas break.

Holidays

"So have you been batting off the boys at school?" No... No I have not and thank you for the reminder. I think judging by the number of boys I have brought to my family gatherings or holidays, they could logically conclude that I am a lesbian...pshh I wish. The snow, sad Christmas songs, significant others meeting the family, and no one to go ice skating with, reminds me that it is only the hot cocoa warming my hands, not the grasp of another's.

Being Sick

Instead of recruiting my mother and best friends to make me grilled cheese and build up my self-esteem after my ear surgery, I would've just liked a kiss on the forehead. To know someone was waiting to talk to me when I woke up. Someone who didn't even notice the surgeons shaved my head because they were in love with my soul... not my hair. Because when you are all doped up and vulnerable, it is a lot easier to cry that the only thing to cuddle with is your teddy bear.

The Five Minutes Before You Fall Asleep

This is where my teddy bear comes in...again. (I noticed that I mention him far too many times for a 20 year old woman, but I'm not changing it). He has been a dedicated member of my bedtime regiment, but this is the time I wish I could retire him. The five minutes before I fall asleep when all the thoughts of my day are rushing through my brain, I wish I could whisper them in the ear of someone who wanted to listen. When I am heavy-eyed and wonder about the person I am meant to be in this world in five years, I want to tell someone who is going to see me through it. Wishing for a moment I didn't look forward to dreaming so much, because as Dr. Suess said, "You know you are in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

When Tragedy Strikes

I was subpoenaed into court for tomorrow to give a deposition and I am scared. My mom keeps settling my mind and making the situation logical to ease my worries, but they still won't go away. But I want someone who knows I am irrational sometimes and that being involved in this messy situation makes me sick to my stomach. And damn it.. I just want to cry about it. I know that will not help a lick. But at this moment, I want someone to hold my head and let me sob and not try to make me feel better, but let me feel. When I found out my first-kiss died or when I got into a car accident or at my dad's funeral and my knees buckled beneath me, I wished I had someone to make sure I didn't fall.

A Love You Can't Have

Basically: Ryan Gosling.

...and any romance movie or first date that doesn't get a second or could-have-been's not texting you back or ex-boyfriend eye contact at the mall.

And like most, I have someone in mind who I would like to fill that 18%. I think he would do a pretty good job. No matter how much I daydream, the fact of the matter is that he isn't going to be my 18% any time soon. So on these days when my heart aches for a moment in loneliness, I remind myself of the 82% that I am so thankful for.

Happiness is a matter of perspective.

How often do I complain about:

• how tired I am?
• how much homework I have?
• the cafeteria food?
• boys?

Embarrassingly enough the answer is: daily.

I realized how much happier and pleasant life is when I have two mantras:

"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."

And my own personal 6-word memoir: "Happiness is a matter of perspective"

So let's apply these perspectives to my common complaints: I am exhausted. Why? Because I have used up all my energy. What did the energy go towards? Going to classes, doing programs, going to meetings, helping with resident concerns and doing homework. What would you have done with the energy if you didn't use it up? Well...nothing productive I guess. Definitely not have the grades, the relationships and the benefits I do. So why are you complaining? I don't need to, I am tired because I have used myself up to my best potential. I have used every ounce of knowledge, love and concentration I have in order to better myself and the world. Exhaustion is an accomplishment.

That felt good. I am going to talk myself through the rest, so next time I complain, I can remind myself how lucky I am.

Homework. Yeah it sucks sometimes but being mad while doing it is counter-productive. I LOVE learning, growing & improving. The work I am doing in school is preparing me to do good in the world. I am part of a select population of the world who can afford to go on to higher education. People leave their lives and families across the ocean to come to America to have a chance at the opportunities I am complaining about. Education is a luxury.

Oh the RFoC. Not only does it provide with endless "FoCing" jokes but it nourishes me 14x's/week. Yes, the food is on a cycled schedule and gives you a suspicious belly ache. But get this: I can go up to the faucet and get a CLEAN glass of water, I can get 7 plates full of food and not eat it all, because "this is Amuuurica". How ungrateful am I for not realizing that some people in the world will never see this amount of food in their whole life. And look at me, not licking my plate clean, throwing away whole chicken legs if I am full. Privilege is a headache you don't know you don't have.

No denying getting your heart broken or being alone in a world of couples sucks big time. Nothing sounds better than groveling in self pity with ice cream and angry Alanis Morisette music. But being able to stand up on your own is the most powerful thing you can do. I wake up and am responsible for my own happiness. If I am lucky, I get the chance to make other people happy but not out of expectation. Out of love. I spend my days with my best friends experiencing and living life. Midnight rollerblading, coffee shop chats, 10 minute laughing fits... these people get me. Instead of relying on a single person to fulfill my needs, I have several who are all a little bit of everything I need. Some of them love poetry, some of them have morbid humor, some of them are dealing with the same things as me and some of them have seen everything I have experienced. I may not have that "void" society tells me I need to fill, but I am not a half missing it's other half. I am a whole person, by myself. Independence is irreplaceable.

Three days after Thanksgiving and I am still thankful. I think the world needs to practice Thanksgiving every day. How much happier would the world be if we just woke up and chose to be happy every day?

6 Word Memoirs

I've been wanting to blog for the past few weeks but I haven't had the creative capacity to write something I would be proud of. To fulfill my desire to express myself without pages of rhymes and alliterations, I am going to do a few 6 word memoirs to get it out. My life in six words:

Happiness is a matter of perspective.

Cry until you laugh, laugh forever.

Stop waiting around, make it happen.

Pause: let the world keep spinning.

People can't understand, let them try.

Love yourself, no matter what happens.

In the end, people are good.

He isn't gone, only his body.

What's yours?

My Adventure Story

Wait wait wait. Just hold your tongue for a minute, before you go sticking it in my mouth or using it to form sweet words that make me feel “special”. Telling me how I am different than any other girl you’ve met. I know I am. So I wanted to preface before you read this little story of my life and try to write yourself in it. You may think again and put me back on the shelf. I’m prepared for that. Trust me, I like it better on the shelf.

Chapter one and two are easy. I’ll let you read those. I’m good at the first and second date, professional almost. But before you go falling in love with my cute, quirky habits or off-beat humor, you might want to know about the third date: If this were any other story, the main character starts to think up her happy ending about now and things progress as society says they should. First date, hold hands, second date, kiss, talk everyday, meet the parents, he asks you to be his girlfriend, then you start taking him to family functions and it’s ok to kiss in front of your mom. Not this novel, it starts to tumble backwards and snaps shut as you turn the page. There are most likely going to be paper cut consequences.

Ready to put me back on the shelf? No? Well that’s okay, this story has legs and just might run away from you. You’re cute, nice and open doors for me; you fit in with my family, take me to nice restaurants and make me laugh. Honestly, you would be a perfect boyfriend, if I were the boyfriend type. But as soon as you take up a pen and doodle in chapter three or four even, I remember how much I like to write. I remember that I don’t want anyone else to decide the ending of my story, even if it is the fairytale type.

It’s nothing personal against you or too cliché as playing hard to get. I’m not playing, I just am. Mostly because I don’t want to be “got”. Each good story must come to an end, this I know, but I need to get to chapter seven or eight before I can add more characters. I'm not against happy endings, I'm just not ready for that part of the story. I like this part too much. I don't want my life to be a romance novel. I want it to be an adventure story. I hear that every classic novel has a love story... I don't want to forget that there is so much more to my story than that. I don’t even care what society’s book review says, “fear of commitment,” “impossible standards,“ or “not giving a guy a chance”. This is how I want to write my story. After all, it is my story.