Dear Dad,

          I think of things everyday, more like every hour, I want to tell you and I constantly live in moments I wish I were sharing with you.  I want to introduce you to everyone I meet and show you every piece of my life, but carrying around a cookie jar may be socially unacceptable. 

Like I want to tell you about my job, because I kind of got it for you.  Basically I fix things all day in the dorms at Central.  I’m learning all about tools and learning how much you already taught me, through the canoe livery, about work ethic, business and people. I cringe every time I use the utility knife because I remember the countless lectures of how I could cut off a finger.  I’m learning things that I know you would have taught me because I am trying to be the daughter you would have raised.  I still need to change my own oil, learn to change my tires and not be afraid of power tools, but I know you are a patient teacher. 

I am volunteering eight hours a week at Hospice, not because I want to relive your experience but because not everyone has the family we have.  It’s strange to say that as far as death goes, I had a… positive experience?  In the end I still lost you, but I can focus on the fact that I was lucky enough to have you for the time I did.  I want families to love like we did and I want to love them like you loved me.  

My apartment next year doesn’t have a dishwasher, but you told me once that washing dishes by hand builds character.  I know I rolled my eyes then because we had a perfectly good dishwasher to use, but I can’t wait for dirty dishes so I can spend some time with you again.  When I’m cooking, I add garlic to almost everything I eat because “once you think you’ve added too much garlic… add a little bit more,” right? 

When I listen to Van Morrison & The Chieftans, I remember you standing in front of the fireplace telling me about your parents and how you miss them.  When I was eight I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live without you, but I am twenty now and have been doing it for almost four years.  Those were the Friday nights when you rented us movies and made us rootbeer floats, but never anything for yourself.  I asked you why you didn’t rent your own movies and make yourself a rootbeer float and you said what you always said, watching us have fun is fun enough for you.  Now I listen to your music in front of the fireplace, writing about my dad and how much I miss him and I cry because, "sometimes a girl just as to cry,"right?

You said a lot of things, you told a lot of stories and I wish I had that same gift.  When I was really young you told me to be friends with everyone, even if no one else is. When I was older we sat at the kitchen table and said, “We’ve got a good life here Squitzoid.” You told me that you spent your whole life making it so I could have a good life, so I could do the things you never did.  So I am doing the things you wanted me to, make every opportunity I get an opportunity for someone who wasn’t as lucky as I was to get a dad like you to build a life like mine.  You are probably worried about how I will survive going into Social Work and joining the Peace Corps but I know you are proud of me, being friends with everyone, even if no one else is.

And no, I don’t have a boyfriend Dad.  Casey and Connor frequently check to see if there is a boy they need to beat up.  They’ve got my back.  The problem is, anyone I meet will never know you, so I don’t think they will ever really know me.  But once I meet a guy who can make my homesickness go away, I will let you know.  If they survive one of our family gatherings then I’ll know. 

I’ve been homesick ever since you left, before I even left for Central.  When I come home I figure it goes away, but it doesn’t.  Who I come home to definitely helps though.  Dad, thanks for giving me such a perfect mom.  She is so much of who I want to be and it’s no question you picked her.  I see you in Casey’s eyes, his laugh, his funny ways of showing me he loves me and his motivation to always take care of his family.  Your charm, humor and kindness for everyone are all wrapped up in the big sister you gave me, no wonder I admire Lacy so deeply.  And Connor is always showing me the bits of goofy, loving comfort I needed from you when the world seems so daunting and hopeless.  When I am holding their hands and walking through the front door of my aunt’s house, I can feel you again.  Thank you for this family. Thank you for making me into the person I am.  Even though you aren’t here, you are still raising me. 

I didn’t know what address to send this to, so I am just crossing my fingers that heaven has wifi.  I’ll see you when I see you. I love you more than air.

If I Die Young

"Make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you as she stands under my colors."

So I guess I’m dead now. I would really prefer if you said that I’m dead. I didn’t “pass on”, I wasn’t “taken from you” or “bite the dust”. I died, just as nature gave me life, it also gave me death. Avoiding your mortality isn’t a reason to stay indoors and not walk around barefoot. Rather a reason to thank God for shoes and doors when we need them. Don’t stop living just because I have. I always hated a copycat.
I understand you will each grieve your own way but I can imagine who this will be hardest for and you will need each other. So once a year, on whatever day seems significant to you, get together. When you imagine yourself with me, who else is in the picture? Reunite with those people at least once a year and read this together if it helps. For one day, screw being on a diet.
Remember me by doing what I love and I love relationships. What matters most in life is who is in your life; they are what make it. Most importantly: family. So don’t spend your days rushing task to task and climbing the ladder of life. You need to make time for people. What creates and strengthens relationships is quality time. Sometimes that means involving yourself in one less activity, getting out of work early, not cleaning your room and instead make people spend time with you. They may not realize how much they need it. Even if you can only meet once a week for lunch, do it.
Wake up everyday knowing how lucky you are. Not only are you alive and I’m not, but you are blessed with so many privileges and it is easy to forget. “Privilege is the headache you don’t know that you don’t have.” –Ani Difranco. Use the opportunities you are afforded to create opportunities for those who are dealt a harder hand in life. You owe the world that. Give of your time, give of your money and give of your heart.
I believe you should eat ice cream. Eat ice cream as much as you please and love yourself while you are doing it. Because I love you and since I am no longer there, you need to show yourself the love that I can no longer display. Love others intentionally and unconditionally. Despite their sexual orientation, their ethnicity, their grades, their sex lives, their party lives, their improper grammar, their financial situation, their nationality, etc.. despite all this, love them and don’t try to change them.
Offer your seat to an elderly person, make silly faces at babies in the grocery store, give the kids you babysit too much candy, tell your friends you love them every time you see them (Warning: they will roll their eyes). Make the most of the world we were given and I hope you know by now that it wasn’t the laws of nature that created you, but the creator of the laws of nature. There is someone to thank for this world, do you best to find out how to get to them. Don’t stop questioning everything you are told, find out for yourself. In the end, it’s okay to agree or disagree, as long as it is through your own logical reasoning and conscious. Just never stop trying to discover the truth.
On that note, persistence is what is needed for each of these things. You won’t typically see the fruits of your labor immediately, but after routine practice, you will.

Don’t give up.

Don’t give up on yourself or others.

Don’t give up on your dreams, even when you can’t fall asleep.

Fall in love by choice, not by gravity. Plan each step of your life, but when there is nowhere to step… jump. Trust the ground even after you trip and forgive them sky even as it rains. Take your time getting here, I don’t mind waiting. Give some people directions on how to get here before you go. Take a right at the North Star and on until morning... it’s not in the GPS.

Slam Poetry Night at Kaya Coffee House

I needed to check this off my bucket list. I really enjoyed performing and I am going to continue to write so my work can mature and I won't be so self-conscious. Hope you like them! And if you don't, don't tell me. I am not ready for constructive criticism yet!

She said she usually cried at least once each day..

not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short.

― Brian Andreas