To Whom It May Concern:

I'm still not confident on when it is appropriate to use "whom" instead of "who" but I will still claim to have strong written and verbal communication skills. The fact is, I need this job and I am hoping as a hiring manager, you take this as a sign I can at least google how to write a cover letter. I didn't list it on my Skills section, but Googling is how I obtained most skills, not college. I do know how to work Microsoft Word though. I'm not 80.

I see that your company can provide me with more money than I currently make unemployed. So I am applying because I have a bachelor's degree and almost no professional experience but I need you to look past that. I just need health insurance. I know I'll have to work with people who have had this job before you needed a degree, teach them to work Powerpoint, and pretend to give a fuck about their pet. I do not like pets. But I can fake it, like I will fake it through the first 6 months of this job that I am miserably under-qualified for. Honestly though, if you could at least give me an interview, my mom would be so happy. I smile so big when I'm nervous you'll probably hire me out of pity anyway.

Did you see my cell phone number? And my email address? And my mom's cell phone number? And my sister's house address? I'll put it down one more time in case you missed them. Feel free to contact me at your earliest convenience. Please email me, send a carrier pigeon, or text me at 2 am when you're drunk. I won't mind. Until then, I am going to finish this coffee and desperately stumble through online advertisements, attach the incorrect cover letter, submit it, realize my mistake and proceed to the wine in the fridge. 

TTYL XOXXX

i h8 myslf.