Dear Dad,

          I think of things everyday, more like every hour, I want to tell you and I constantly live in moments I wish I were sharing with you.  I want to introduce you to everyone I meet and show you every piece of my life, but carrying around a cookie jar may be socially unacceptable. 

Like I want to tell you about my job, because I kind of got it for you.  Basically I fix things all day in the dorms at Central.  I’m learning all about tools and learning how much you already taught me, through the canoe livery, about work ethic, business and people. I cringe every time I use the utility knife because I remember the countless lectures of how I could cut off a finger.  I’m learning things that I know you would have taught me because I am trying to be the daughter you would have raised.  I still need to change my own oil, learn to change my tires and not be afraid of power tools, but I know you are a patient teacher. 

I am volunteering eight hours a week at Hospice, not because I want to relive your experience but because not everyone has the family we have.  It’s strange to say that as far as death goes, I had a… positive experience?  In the end I still lost you, but I can focus on the fact that I was lucky enough to have you for the time I did.  I want families to love like we did and I want to love them like you loved me.  

My apartment next year doesn’t have a dishwasher, but you told me once that washing dishes by hand builds character.  I know I rolled my eyes then because we had a perfectly good dishwasher to use, but I can’t wait for dirty dishes so I can spend some time with you again.  When I’m cooking, I add garlic to almost everything I eat because “once you think you’ve added too much garlic… add a little bit more,” right? 

When I listen to Van Morrison & The Chieftans, I remember you standing in front of the fireplace telling me about your parents and how you miss them.  When I was eight I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live without you, but I am twenty now and have been doing it for almost four years.  Those were the Friday nights when you rented us movies and made us rootbeer floats, but never anything for yourself.  I asked you why you didn’t rent your own movies and make yourself a rootbeer float and you said what you always said, watching us have fun is fun enough for you.  Now I listen to your music in front of the fireplace, writing about my dad and how much I miss him and I cry because, "sometimes a girl just as to cry,"right?

You said a lot of things, you told a lot of stories and I wish I had that same gift.  When I was really young you told me to be friends with everyone, even if no one else is. When I was older we sat at the kitchen table and said, “We’ve got a good life here Squitzoid.” You told me that you spent your whole life making it so I could have a good life, so I could do the things you never did.  So I am doing the things you wanted me to, make every opportunity I get an opportunity for someone who wasn’t as lucky as I was to get a dad like you to build a life like mine.  You are probably worried about how I will survive going into Social Work and joining the Peace Corps but I know you are proud of me, being friends with everyone, even if no one else is.

And no, I don’t have a boyfriend Dad.  Casey and Connor frequently check to see if there is a boy they need to beat up.  They’ve got my back.  The problem is, anyone I meet will never know you, so I don’t think they will ever really know me.  But once I meet a guy who can make my homesickness go away, I will let you know.  If they survive one of our family gatherings then I’ll know. 

I’ve been homesick ever since you left, before I even left for Central.  When I come home I figure it goes away, but it doesn’t.  Who I come home to definitely helps though.  Dad, thanks for giving me such a perfect mom.  She is so much of who I want to be and it’s no question you picked her.  I see you in Casey’s eyes, his laugh, his funny ways of showing me he loves me and his motivation to always take care of his family.  Your charm, humor and kindness for everyone are all wrapped up in the big sister you gave me, no wonder I admire Lacy so deeply.  And Connor is always showing me the bits of goofy, loving comfort I needed from you when the world seems so daunting and hopeless.  When I am holding their hands and walking through the front door of my aunt’s house, I can feel you again.  Thank you for this family. Thank you for making me into the person I am.  Even though you aren’t here, you are still raising me. 

I didn’t know what address to send this to, so I am just crossing my fingers that heaven has wifi.  I’ll see you when I see you. I love you more than air.

If I Die Young

"Make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you as she stands under my colors."

So I guess I’m dead now. I would really prefer if you said that I’m dead. I didn’t “pass on”, I wasn’t “taken from you” or “bite the dust”. I died, just as nature gave me life, it also gave me death. Avoiding your mortality isn’t a reason to stay indoors and not walk around barefoot. Rather a reason to thank God for shoes and doors when we need them. Don’t stop living just because I have. I always hated a copycat.
I understand you will each grieve your own way but I can imagine who this will be hardest for and you will need each other. So once a year, on whatever day seems significant to you, get together. When you imagine yourself with me, who else is in the picture? Reunite with those people at least once a year and read this together if it helps. For one day, screw being on a diet.
Remember me by doing what I love and I love relationships. What matters most in life is who is in your life; they are what make it. Most importantly: family. So don’t spend your days rushing task to task and climbing the ladder of life. You need to make time for people. What creates and strengthens relationships is quality time. Sometimes that means involving yourself in one less activity, getting out of work early, not cleaning your room and instead make people spend time with you. They may not realize how much they need it. Even if you can only meet once a week for lunch, do it.
Wake up everyday knowing how lucky you are. Not only are you alive and I’m not, but you are blessed with so many privileges and it is easy to forget. “Privilege is the headache you don’t know that you don’t have.” –Ani Difranco. Use the opportunities you are afforded to create opportunities for those who are dealt a harder hand in life. You owe the world that. Give of your time, give of your money and give of your heart.
I believe you should eat ice cream. Eat ice cream as much as you please and love yourself while you are doing it. Because I love you and since I am no longer there, you need to show yourself the love that I can no longer display. Love others intentionally and unconditionally. Despite their sexual orientation, their ethnicity, their grades, their sex lives, their party lives, their improper grammar, their financial situation, their nationality, etc.. despite all this, love them and don’t try to change them.
Offer your seat to an elderly person, make silly faces at babies in the grocery store, give the kids you babysit too much candy, tell your friends you love them every time you see them (Warning: they will roll their eyes). Make the most of the world we were given and I hope you know by now that it wasn’t the laws of nature that created you, but the creator of the laws of nature. There is someone to thank for this world, do you best to find out how to get to them. Don’t stop questioning everything you are told, find out for yourself. In the end, it’s okay to agree or disagree, as long as it is through your own logical reasoning and conscious. Just never stop trying to discover the truth.
On that note, persistence is what is needed for each of these things. You won’t typically see the fruits of your labor immediately, but after routine practice, you will.

Don’t give up.

Don’t give up on yourself or others.

Don’t give up on your dreams, even when you can’t fall asleep.

Fall in love by choice, not by gravity. Plan each step of your life, but when there is nowhere to step… jump. Trust the ground even after you trip and forgive them sky even as it rains. Take your time getting here, I don’t mind waiting. Give some people directions on how to get here before you go. Take a right at the North Star and on until morning... it’s not in the GPS.

Slam Poetry Night at Kaya Coffee House

I needed to check this off my bucket list. I really enjoyed performing and I am going to continue to write so my work can mature and I won't be so self-conscious. Hope you like them! And if you don't, don't tell me. I am not ready for constructive criticism yet!

She said she usually cried at least once each day..

not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short.

― Brian Andreas

Dear Santa,

I need to be honest with you big guy, I know your secret. You aren’t real. But because I no longer get candles on my birthday cake, I have never seen a shooting star, I forget and tell people what I wished for on 11:11 and I am still not so sure about that Jesus man, you are really the only one I can send my wishes to. So here goes, and let’s try to not skimp this year… I don’t need another slinky:

1. First off, our Christmas tree is about twice the age of me, so I would first like to request a less pathetic tree to hang our ornaments on.
2. I know I have asked before but I didn’t want you to forget about creating world peace and curing famine. It is easily forgotten when kids in America are crossing their fingers for an iPhone, kids across the world are hoping they wake up to something to eat and clean water.
3. Back to the selfish traditions of the American Christmas: I wish I could snap my fingers and someone would arrive to give me a two-hour full body massage whenever I pleased.
4. My sister lives far too far away for my liking, so shorten the distance from Midland to Chicago by about 5 hours thank you very much.
5. The haircut I got from my ear surgeons, it’s got to go… reverse please?
6. On that note, it would be stellar if I could hear crystal clear without those surgeries.
7. You know that heartbreak I got earlier today? At first I was thinking to make sure he gets nothing but coal, but what I realized is that I want him to be happy. So what I will ask for instead is to eliminate jealousy and the fear letting myself feel deeply for someone. I’ll keep the heartache for now, I think it will make me stronger as long as I am open, take risks & not take things so seriously. Just don’t let me die alone. (I can’t be a cat woman, I hate them.)
8. If I am making wishes, might as well make ‘em big! How about an all-expenses-paid-roundtrip month long vacation across Europe?
9. You might have to pull a few strings but mostly I just want my dad back. I would give back every Christmas gift I have ever gotten and forget about my previous requests for just this one.
10. Oh and obviously it costs about $40,000 to pay for my schooling. I think you can get a payment plan for that but hey, you are Santa, threaten them with the naughty list and they might cut you a break.

My list would get far too long if I started making all the wishes for the happiness of the people I love because I think the number is close to 6 billion and the world keeps growing. In all honesty, they know what makes them happy more than I do. So my last wish is that they make a list of their own and for each one that you can’t fit under their tree, give them the strength, passion and confidence to capture it themselves.

18%

On a rough estimate 300/365 days of the year I am extremely empowered to be single (reference previous blog).

82% of my year I wake up and am responsible for my own happiness.

10 Reasons I am happy being single:

1. I wake up and do what I want.

2. My friends will never break up with me.

3. I can buy my own dinner.

4. I get more sleep, my teddy bear doesn't take up much space.

5. I don't wait on texts or phone calls... I make them.

6. My relationships are stronger because I have more to give.

7. I have guy friends. For real.

8. I don't give people the power to break me.

9. I have mastered self-soothing. Ice cream + sleep = less tears.

10. Having a crush is the worst feeling in the world, and I don't have to deal with that heartache.

Really the list can continue, but I want to get to more of what I wanted to talk about: times when I am acutely aware of being single. Ironically most of them seemed to pile up over my Christmas break.

Holidays

"So have you been batting off the boys at school?" No... No I have not and thank you for the reminder. I think judging by the number of boys I have brought to my family gatherings or holidays, they could logically conclude that I am a lesbian...pshh I wish. The snow, sad Christmas songs, significant others meeting the family, and no one to go ice skating with, reminds me that it is only the hot cocoa warming my hands, not the grasp of another's.

Being Sick

Instead of recruiting my mother and best friends to make me grilled cheese and build up my self-esteem after my ear surgery, I would've just liked a kiss on the forehead. To know someone was waiting to talk to me when I woke up. Someone who didn't even notice the surgeons shaved my head because they were in love with my soul... not my hair. Because when you are all doped up and vulnerable, it is a lot easier to cry that the only thing to cuddle with is your teddy bear.

The Five Minutes Before You Fall Asleep

This is where my teddy bear comes in...again. (I noticed that I mention him far too many times for a 20 year old woman, but I'm not changing it). He has been a dedicated member of my bedtime regiment, but this is the time I wish I could retire him. The five minutes before I fall asleep when all the thoughts of my day are rushing through my brain, I wish I could whisper them in the ear of someone who wanted to listen. When I am heavy-eyed and wonder about the person I am meant to be in this world in five years, I want to tell someone who is going to see me through it. Wishing for a moment I didn't look forward to dreaming so much, because as Dr. Suess said, "You know you are in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

When Tragedy Strikes

I was subpoenaed into court for tomorrow to give a deposition and I am scared. My mom keeps settling my mind and making the situation logical to ease my worries, but they still won't go away. But I want someone who knows I am irrational sometimes and that being involved in this messy situation makes me sick to my stomach. And damn it.. I just want to cry about it. I know that will not help a lick. But at this moment, I want someone to hold my head and let me sob and not try to make me feel better, but let me feel. When I found out my first-kiss died or when I got into a car accident or at my dad's funeral and my knees buckled beneath me, I wished I had someone to make sure I didn't fall.

A Love You Can't Have

Basically: Ryan Gosling.

...and any romance movie or first date that doesn't get a second or could-have-been's not texting you back or ex-boyfriend eye contact at the mall.

And like most, I have someone in mind who I would like to fill that 18%. I think he would do a pretty good job. No matter how much I daydream, the fact of the matter is that he isn't going to be my 18% any time soon. So on these days when my heart aches for a moment in loneliness, I remind myself of the 82% that I am so thankful for.

Happiness is a matter of perspective.

How often do I complain about:

• how tired I am?
• how much homework I have?
• the cafeteria food?
• boys?

Embarrassingly enough the answer is: daily.

I realized how much happier and pleasant life is when I have two mantras:

"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."

And my own personal 6-word memoir: "Happiness is a matter of perspective"

So let's apply these perspectives to my common complaints: I am exhausted. Why? Because I have used up all my energy. What did the energy go towards? Going to classes, doing programs, going to meetings, helping with resident concerns and doing homework. What would you have done with the energy if you didn't use it up? Well...nothing productive I guess. Definitely not have the grades, the relationships and the benefits I do. So why are you complaining? I don't need to, I am tired because I have used myself up to my best potential. I have used every ounce of knowledge, love and concentration I have in order to better myself and the world. Exhaustion is an accomplishment.

That felt good. I am going to talk myself through the rest, so next time I complain, I can remind myself how lucky I am.

Homework. Yeah it sucks sometimes but being mad while doing it is counter-productive. I LOVE learning, growing & improving. The work I am doing in school is preparing me to do good in the world. I am part of a select population of the world who can afford to go on to higher education. People leave their lives and families across the ocean to come to America to have a chance at the opportunities I am complaining about. Education is a luxury.

Oh the RFoC. Not only does it provide with endless "FoCing" jokes but it nourishes me 14x's/week. Yes, the food is on a cycled schedule and gives you a suspicious belly ache. But get this: I can go up to the faucet and get a CLEAN glass of water, I can get 7 plates full of food and not eat it all, because "this is Amuuurica". How ungrateful am I for not realizing that some people in the world will never see this amount of food in their whole life. And look at me, not licking my plate clean, throwing away whole chicken legs if I am full. Privilege is a headache you don't know you don't have.

No denying getting your heart broken or being alone in a world of couples sucks big time. Nothing sounds better than groveling in self pity with ice cream and angry Alanis Morisette music. But being able to stand up on your own is the most powerful thing you can do. I wake up and am responsible for my own happiness. If I am lucky, I get the chance to make other people happy but not out of expectation. Out of love. I spend my days with my best friends experiencing and living life. Midnight rollerblading, coffee shop chats, 10 minute laughing fits... these people get me. Instead of relying on a single person to fulfill my needs, I have several who are all a little bit of everything I need. Some of them love poetry, some of them have morbid humor, some of them are dealing with the same things as me and some of them have seen everything I have experienced. I may not have that "void" society tells me I need to fill, but I am not a half missing it's other half. I am a whole person, by myself. Independence is irreplaceable.

Three days after Thanksgiving and I am still thankful. I think the world needs to practice Thanksgiving every day. How much happier would the world be if we just woke up and chose to be happy every day?