18%

On a rough estimate 300/365 days of the year I am extremely empowered to be single (reference previous blog).

82% of my year I wake up and am responsible for my own happiness.

10 Reasons I am happy being single:

1. I wake up and do what I want.

2. My friends will never break up with me.

3. I can buy my own dinner.

4. I get more sleep, my teddy bear doesn't take up much space.

5. I don't wait on texts or phone calls... I make them.

6. My relationships are stronger because I have more to give.

7. I have guy friends. For real.

8. I don't give people the power to break me.

9. I have mastered self-soothing. Ice cream + sleep = less tears.

10. Having a crush is the worst feeling in the world, and I don't have to deal with that heartache.

Really the list can continue, but I want to get to more of what I wanted to talk about: times when I am acutely aware of being single. Ironically most of them seemed to pile up over my Christmas break.

Holidays

"So have you been batting off the boys at school?" No... No I have not and thank you for the reminder. I think judging by the number of boys I have brought to my family gatherings or holidays, they could logically conclude that I am a lesbian...pshh I wish. The snow, sad Christmas songs, significant others meeting the family, and no one to go ice skating with, reminds me that it is only the hot cocoa warming my hands, not the grasp of another's.

Being Sick

Instead of recruiting my mother and best friends to make me grilled cheese and build up my self-esteem after my ear surgery, I would've just liked a kiss on the forehead. To know someone was waiting to talk to me when I woke up. Someone who didn't even notice the surgeons shaved my head because they were in love with my soul... not my hair. Because when you are all doped up and vulnerable, it is a lot easier to cry that the only thing to cuddle with is your teddy bear.

The Five Minutes Before You Fall Asleep

This is where my teddy bear comes in...again. (I noticed that I mention him far too many times for a 20 year old woman, but I'm not changing it). He has been a dedicated member of my bedtime regiment, but this is the time I wish I could retire him. The five minutes before I fall asleep when all the thoughts of my day are rushing through my brain, I wish I could whisper them in the ear of someone who wanted to listen. When I am heavy-eyed and wonder about the person I am meant to be in this world in five years, I want to tell someone who is going to see me through it. Wishing for a moment I didn't look forward to dreaming so much, because as Dr. Suess said, "You know you are in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

When Tragedy Strikes

I was subpoenaed into court for tomorrow to give a deposition and I am scared. My mom keeps settling my mind and making the situation logical to ease my worries, but they still won't go away. But I want someone who knows I am irrational sometimes and that being involved in this messy situation makes me sick to my stomach. And damn it.. I just want to cry about it. I know that will not help a lick. But at this moment, I want someone to hold my head and let me sob and not try to make me feel better, but let me feel. When I found out my first-kiss died or when I got into a car accident or at my dad's funeral and my knees buckled beneath me, I wished I had someone to make sure I didn't fall.

A Love You Can't Have

Basically: Ryan Gosling.

...and any romance movie or first date that doesn't get a second or could-have-been's not texting you back or ex-boyfriend eye contact at the mall.

And like most, I have someone in mind who I would like to fill that 18%. I think he would do a pretty good job. No matter how much I daydream, the fact of the matter is that he isn't going to be my 18% any time soon. So on these days when my heart aches for a moment in loneliness, I remind myself of the 82% that I am so thankful for.