The Insecurity Flu

That's it.
I need a sick day.
Chicken noodle soup.
and naps.

That's how you get better right?  When your stomach curdles and anxiety pumps in your blood, when your head is pounding and you're always on the verge of throwing up. I've never been sick like this before. Sick with insecurity.

I've always been a fight-society's-expectations be-true-to-yourself don't-need-no-man type of girl.  Even though I wear eyeliner and curl my hair... I've never been scared to look in the mirror.

As I've grown, The world has grown bigger, scarier, and less loving.  I feel better under my covers and pretending things like child marriage, famine, rape, sex slavery and abuse don't exist.  So much pain in the world. Now I'm scared to look in the mirror and see a girl who isn't good enough to heal it.

How can I protect the world if I can't even protect my own heart?  I'm not brave enough to love someone.

I'm reading news articles, researching your interests, practicing my jokes and learning new tricks so he'll think I am interesting enough.

Trying to suppress my emotions so he thinks I'm cool enough.

Not telling him how his smile makes my day perfect
pretending I don't need him to adore me
pretending I'm independent enough

His every move makes me nauseous, and I just want to be strong enough so it doesn't.

Insecurity is making me sick.
I skipped the self-loathing stage in middle school.  Or maybe it was hibernating, rotting my stomach until I had a reason to stare at my phone waiting for his name to show up

never enough