Love God, Love People and Love Yourself.

As much as I would love to take the day to pursue the corners of my mind for a poem or short story I have stored, I just don't have the creative inspiration. I still feel the need to write up a little something about what has been distracting me from rambling on about boys, schoolwork, roommates and the like. Hold on to your hats! I think about more than that.

I attempted posting a video of myself, but it turned out wacky. Basically, I am still in college, still having fun and still "discovering who I am". I just thought that "finding yourself" was a cliche piece of going to college, but lately I have been able to relate to it more than ever. The only words I can use to describe what I am currently "discovering" is: spiritual turmoil. What do I believe? More naggingly: Why do I believe it?

Things I know for certain? Love God, Love People and Love Yourself. The second and third portion of that sentence is easy, just takes practice. The first part has some strings attached. I am trying to figure out the best way to Love God. I have alway been taught that Jesus is the only way to God, because the Bible says so. But why do I believe the Bible? Because I have been told it is the Truth. All these things I believe because I have been told to believe them.

I don't question God because I can't accept that such a beautiful world just existed, not created for us. That the inner workings of human beings is just science. I believe there is more substance to human life than DNA and barbaric survival. That a soul, love, sincerity, beauty, hope, poetry and peace cannot be manufactured. I believe in the supernatural love of a God. Because it feels true to my heart and I don't want to believe anything different.

I want nothing more than to follow Jesus to God whole heartedly. But I am not going to blindly follow just because I always have. I am not going to just because I am scared of going to hell, losing friends and changing my thinking. Jesus offers hope and forgiveness that I haven't seen anywhere else and I want to genuinely believe in it. Which I think starts with questioning it. Questioning if this Man was who He said He was, the Son of God. Is he the ONLY way to God's Kingdom? If I choose to believe in Jesus and the promise He offers, do I have to accept all of what the Bible says?

Love you neighbors. Don't steal, cheat, lie, or murder. Respect your parents. Nothing in the 10 Commandments teaches me about doing wrong. But many of the things the Church teaches me about what the Bible says, doesn't line up with how I feel. That women should submit to their husbands. That being homosexual is a sin. That women can't be powerful and aggressive but sit back and be should be soft spoken and subservient. Am I allowed to throw out those teachings and not throw out Jesus? If it's an all or none approach-- do I want to be part of a religion like that? Do I have to accept the Christian church if I want to follow Jesus?

I am stuck in this grey area of my spirituality, trying to dig myself out. As I write and write about all the questions I have, I realize there is no answer. It is faith. Faith is believing in something you cannot prove. Can you force faith? I know I want faith, but I don't know if I can make myself have it. Or should it just be? If you know me, you know how I can worry about something 'til the well runs dry. The case of my eternal life isn't a different story. But my sister, Lacy, gave me peace of mind: I don't have to choose. Spirituality shouldn't be stagnant, but you should be ever growing and should be ever questioning and ever changing. The key is be ok with not knowing all the answers.

So my blog is about to end. With no conclusions made. Left only with questions that I hope one day to answer. Or the hope to one day have peace with them being unanswered.