Dating While Feminist

I wouldn’t exactly agree with Marilyn Frye, she’s a radical chick.  My issues with dating and feminism is not exactly the thinking that I am resigning to the patriarchal script of heterosexuality and betraying the tenants of feminism when I am attracted to men. 

My problem is: I recognized the products of my socialization.  

My socialized desires conflict with my feminist desires.

My feminist ideal, Disney Complex and American Dream combine to make one hell of a confusing culture for me to figure out and impossible standard for someone to meet.

EX: I hate the feeling of having a crush, that out-of-control anxiety where someone else occupies your thoughts and time. The feeling of whether or not a guy texted me that day effects my mood.   ((So I avoid those feelings, because I don’t have power over them.  When I do have them, I hate them and inadvertently hate that person for giving me those feelings.))  But that's romantic right? That's how it works in the movies? No. It sounds absolutely horrifying to me. 

Dating seems like relinquishing power to another. They have power in your thoughts, feelings, schedule, choices, future... this doesn't make sense to me. Why do I want this?

It’s a vicious cycle of strength/independence… like “Look at me, walking alone, conquering the world”… to being self-conscious/seeking validation… like “look at me, conquering the world... all alone."

I get strong 

then get weak 

then feel guilty for being weak 

and it makes me strong again.

So when I do seek validation, I always end up with guys I say I wouldn’t want to date.  I am attracted to the masculine, powerful, dominant but need the kind, generous and sensitive.  Traits that aren’t typically paired together. 

I just want to date someone who can teach me to fix my car but also understands the social construct of gender and sexuality.  Who challenges me but doesn’t belittle my point of view.  I want to date a man who identifies as a feminist and I don’t have to explain it to him or defend it.  I want to stop ever feeling sad about being single.  I want to resist the socialized part of me that tells me I am better with a man.

But there I go again.  

Looking for a Feminist Prince Charming.  

My love life and real life are the biggest contradictions.

To All The Boys I've Kissed Before:

I'm sorry.

I tried really hard to like you and you really wanted to like me. But we didn't.  I'm cute enough to look at yet charming enough to ignore everything else. So I kissed you or cooked for you, because I like kissing and eating.  I thought it would help me like you more.  I thought you would like me more. We didn't.

We were doing a poor job of temporarily filling empty places we've fictionally come to believe we need to fill.

And you always liked me more in my imagination. I created our relationship from the two sentences of affirmation you gave me 8 months ago. Pretended we were more than what you actually intended us to be.

So this is who I really wanted to write my letter to,

To All The Boys I Should Have Kissed: 

I'm sorry

I knew I could fall in love with you, so I didn't want much to do with you at all.  I wanted to keep you in my pocket, because I'm not a very good cook and I look like a naked mole rat without my make-up and I'm not very funny and... I don't know who to be when the charm wears off.

& I've given all the wrong boys the wrong kind of chances.

Because to be honest: I am horrible to boys. Specifically the kind, generous and sensitive ones. I'm no less than self-absorbed, manipulative and soul-crushing.  I like the ones who don't like me, unless they actually start to like me, I don't like that.  I don't actually like anyone. 

----
& maybe that's why I've never been kissed as a display of affection, merely a reaction to an erection
I've never been told by someone that they loved me, except how they'd love to fuck me
I think I have chosen to be alone because I'm tired of being asked if I want to bone.
I'm tired of my kisses being empty because I know kisses have power to free me.