I tried really hard to like you and you really wanted to like me. But we didn't. I'm cute enough to look at yet charming enough to ignore everything else. So I kissed you or cooked for you, because I like kissing and eating. I thought it would help me like you more. I thought you would like me more. We didn't.
We were doing a poor job of temporarily filling empty places we've fictionally come to believe we need to fill.
And you always liked me more in my imagination. I created our relationship from the two sentences of affirmation you gave me 8 months ago. Pretended we were more than what you actually intended us to be.
So this is who I really wanted to write my letter to,
To All The Boys I Should Have Kissed:
I'm sorry
I knew I could fall in love with you, so I didn't want much to do with you at all. I wanted to keep you in my pocket, because I'm not a very good cook and I look like a naked mole rat without my make-up and I'm not very funny and... I don't know who to be when the charm wears off.
& I've given all the wrong boys the wrong kind of chances.
Because to be honest: I am horrible to boys. Specifically the kind, generous and sensitive ones. I'm no less than self-absorbed, manipulative and soul-crushing. I like the ones who don't like me, unless they actually start to like me, I don't like that. I don't actually like anyone.
----
& maybe that's why I've never been kissed as a display of affection, merely a reaction to an erection
I've never been told by someone that they loved me, except how they'd love to fuck me
I think I have chosen to be alone because I'm tired of being asked if I want to bone.
I'm tired of my kisses being empty because I know kisses have power to free me.
We were doing a poor job of temporarily filling empty places we've fictionally come to believe we need to fill.
And you always liked me more in my imagination. I created our relationship from the two sentences of affirmation you gave me 8 months ago. Pretended we were more than what you actually intended us to be.
So this is who I really wanted to write my letter to,
To All The Boys I Should Have Kissed:
I'm sorry
I knew I could fall in love with you, so I didn't want much to do with you at all. I wanted to keep you in my pocket, because I'm not a very good cook and I look like a naked mole rat without my make-up and I'm not very funny and... I don't know who to be when the charm wears off.
& I've given all the wrong boys the wrong kind of chances.
Because to be honest: I am horrible to boys. Specifically the kind, generous and sensitive ones. I'm no less than self-absorbed, manipulative and soul-crushing. I like the ones who don't like me, unless they actually start to like me, I don't like that. I don't actually like anyone.
----
& maybe that's why I've never been kissed as a display of affection, merely a reaction to an erection
I've never been told by someone that they loved me, except how they'd love to fuck me
I think I have chosen to be alone because I'm tired of being asked if I want to bone.
I'm tired of my kisses being empty because I know kisses have power to free me.
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