Dating While Feminist

I wouldn’t exactly agree with Marilyn Frye, she’s a radical chick.  My issues with dating and feminism is not exactly the thinking that I am resigning to the patriarchal script of heterosexuality and betraying the tenants of feminism when I am attracted to men. 

My problem is: I recognized the products of my socialization.  

My socialized desires conflict with my feminist desires.

My feminist ideal, Disney Complex and American Dream combine to make one hell of a confusing culture for me to figure out and impossible standard for someone to meet.

EX: I hate the feeling of having a crush, that out-of-control anxiety where someone else occupies your thoughts and time. The feeling of whether or not a guy texted me that day effects my mood.   ((So I avoid those feelings, because I don’t have power over them.  When I do have them, I hate them and inadvertently hate that person for giving me those feelings.))  But that's romantic right? That's how it works in the movies? No. It sounds absolutely horrifying to me. 

Dating seems like relinquishing power to another. They have power in your thoughts, feelings, schedule, choices, future... this doesn't make sense to me. Why do I want this?

It’s a vicious cycle of strength/independence… like “Look at me, walking alone, conquering the world”… to being self-conscious/seeking validation… like “look at me, conquering the world... all alone."

I get strong 

then get weak 

then feel guilty for being weak 

and it makes me strong again.

So when I do seek validation, I always end up with guys I say I wouldn’t want to date.  I am attracted to the masculine, powerful, dominant but need the kind, generous and sensitive.  Traits that aren’t typically paired together. 

I just want to date someone who can teach me to fix my car but also understands the social construct of gender and sexuality.  Who challenges me but doesn’t belittle my point of view.  I want to date a man who identifies as a feminist and I don’t have to explain it to him or defend it.  I want to stop ever feeling sad about being single.  I want to resist the socialized part of me that tells me I am better with a man.

But there I go again.  

Looking for a Feminist Prince Charming.  

My love life and real life are the biggest contradictions.