I've felt this emptiness before.
I am at the cusp of bravery, standing at the edge, hands shaking looking over the cliff of new experiences and taking risks. Where I cry every fifteen minutes or so then promptly pull my lips into a smile. Behind me is my mom rubbing my cheek with the silk edge of my baby blanket as I fall asleep, playing with my big sister's hair or sitting as close to on-top-of my best friends on the couch.
Ahead of me: emptiness. Only space for me to fill with new failures, new loves, new adventures. The unknown makes me nauseous, which is what happens when you have too much excitement on a terrified stomach... also too much coffee on an empty stomach.
Four years ago at this very time I was a freshman in college living in the dorms at CMU. I had just been offered the opportunity to become an RA on the floor just above me (disciplinary disaster floor), which is all I could have imagined wanting at that point of my life(only because I didn't know the hell that would soon ensue). Mind you I was 19, only 3/4 the way through my first year, being put in charge of students my age who I had partied with earlier that year. I was all alone in a dorm, typically filled with 400 of my friends, with everything packed in to boxes, crying and watching Netflix. Early the next morning I was going to NYC on a spring break trip that defined my religious habits and the very day I got back from that trip I was to be moved in to my new room.
My qualms with accepting the job was mainly being nervous I would lose my two best friends, who I were now technically my "residents" and we couldn't do many of the best friend things that freshman best friends do (aka get trashed in our dorm rooms). Turns out, it was the best decision I had ever made. Being an RA in Wheeler made me a better person and I was proud that I took a more difficult path, by choice, and it was more than I could've hoped for.
Once again, by choice, I am taking the road less traveled, hoping to come out more of the person I want to be. The person I am, is shaped by the experiences in my life that were typically out of my control. I want it to be my choice now, I want to shape the experiences that shape me.
I've learned that friends still stick around, even when you can't drink in the dorms with them anymore. The people in my life are truer than most, hearts so sincere and encouraging that I will be able to feel their love over the ocean. My mother gave me wings. She did more than just say I can accomplish my dreams, she showed me by pursuing her own. My dad would be turning in his grave by the mere idea of me going outside without a helmet on... but he would be happy that at least I am bringing sunscreen.
Now, surrounded by boxes of my life, hanging over a cliff, shaking and crying but something still pulls me in to this emptiness, a picture I so badly want to paint myself... also a super awesome boyfriend in Australia. With so many unanswered questions: When will you come home? What will you be doing? Why are you going? Literally my only answer is: why not.
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