Day 46 Homesick.

Actually day 40-46 has been homesick.

But let me start from back when I wasn't homesick. When I was doing amazing things in Cairns, when I snorkeled with Nemo, a barracuda and a shark. When I jumped off a 60 m tower. When I was laying in the sun with friends and didn't get a sunburn! Cairns was amazing, surrounded my mountains and rain-forest, it was like a better version of Florida. If I hadn't booked my plane ticket back to Sydney, I would've stayed longer. 

But now I am at the point of my trip I have been dreading... should I stay or should I go? 

I am back in Sydney. It is cold here. I am sick and I have applied to more than 20 jobs with no avail. I wanted to rent my own apartment because I am tired of living out of a backpack. I can't afford that though. I am running down to my last couple hundred dollars before I dip in to the New Zealand/Asia fund. So if I get a job, it will be 6 more months in Australia then two months traveling. If I don't get a job within the week. I really need to keep moving. 

Since I got here, the more people I met made me question: Why not stay for a whole year? Everyone else is doing it. I am strong enough to do it. I can get a job. I can make friends worth staying for, can't I? But I met a girl today and for the first time someone said, "Why does everyone stay here? You don't have force yourself to stay here to get the experience.'' Identifying what I have felt: that Australia is like America, except without the majority of the people I love. I am not convinced I want to stay here anymore.

Am I not giving it enough of a chance? Should I make a life for myself here and then leave in 6 months? What is the point of that? Do I go back home and get a job with only two weeks vacation? What is the point of that? 

Then I end at the oh-so-pleasant: WHAT AM I HERE FOR? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE? HOW DO I HUMAN?

Healthy right?

I guess what I really need to ask is what do I want out of Australia? Have I gotten it already? Is it time to move on? There is still adventure to be had in America. With all the people in my life I miss. 

Half of this blog post is questions. 

I don't know where to find the answers. 

I am going back to watching 'Pimp My Ride" with the other travelers who don't know what they're doing. 

34. Cairns

"Do one thing every day that scares you." Sunscreen, Baz Luhrman 

Yesterday:

Today: 

31. Mary Oliver

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one precious and wild life?"

The Summer Day, Mary Oliver

After reading a few sweet poems I had to have more, I've been missing it from my life. So I went to the used book store around the corner after I got off the bus of my tour of Jenolan Caves today and bought e.e. cummings selected poems 1923-1958. There, I found so much comfort in the memory of these poems that I have stored in my heart... "and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart. i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"

The caves were beautiful... but the children on the tour with me... I could've strangled. Should we agree to just leave children under 8 in Disney World? 

Although it made me laugh to remember my dad, and how the first time I learned of stalactites were with him, and he marveled at the caves. It is humbling to be so small amoungst something massive and inspiring. I get it now dad. 

29. Train Thoughts

I'm on the way to Katoomba, to spend three days exploring the Blue Mountains before I leave on the 16th for Cairns. I'll spend 8 days there scuba diving and bungy jumping.

I guess you can say this begins the existential part of the trip. Leaving Dave in Newcastle to attend to his life, I'm wondering what my life is all about. I've been reading the book, "Wild" about a woman who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail alone for 100 days which has really spurred a lot of the questions.

First off: who am I when no one knows me? I am longing for my friends who remind me of who I am and what I believe in. Who believe in the best version of me. They love me despite the dirt in my fingernails and quiet darkness in my heart. Without those who expect the personal nuances, do I still have them? Am I still kind or outgoing? Or am I really just a product of those I surround myself with, good or bad? 

Second of all: I feel like a fraud. I'm trying to be brave, but I question every step I take, like I am watching someone else do everything I want for myself. I choke back from crying regularly. I put music I don't like on my iPod because I want to like it. I want to stick to surfing until I conquer it, but dude--it is HARD & giving up is easy. I'd like to be the kind of girl who runs on the beach, but I can't even run in the street. I want to want that. I want to be adventurous, but I don't feel proud of myself yet. 

Also, I don't want to be the kind of girl that everyone worries about when she is off on her own. I want to be the kind of girl people say, "She can handle her own"

Self awareness. The good and bad. A little anxiety to keep me on my toes I suppose.

27. Raymond Terrace

So much has happened in the past ten days. Right now I am in Raymond Terrace, at Dave's family's house for a few days. We had Easter on their uncle's farm and I was over loaded with chocolate... which I really don't mind. Dave and I met up with his friend Tom in his family home at Nelson Bay, and we played around on their jetski, turning it off in the middle of the bay and surrounded by about 15 dolphins. The babiest of dolphins splashing and twirling about like it just learned how to swim.

On the 8th, the night before Dave picked me up to stay with him and his family in Raymond Terrace, I decided to take a bottle of wine and my book down to the ocean to relax. After about 15 minutes, a guy from a group of people 10 feet over, invites me to join their group. As the conversation flows I learned that Michael Franti is 5 blocks away, starting a show in 30 minutes. In shock that they aren't there, I convince one of them to go with me and I end up at the best concert I've ever been to in this hemisphere.

Tonight while Dave is at work, I am attending a family friend's Mexican themed birthday party dressed as a Day of the Dead bride... I'll update with pictures.

17. Newcastle

Most of the time when I tell people I'm staying a week in Newcastle, their reply is, "why?"

Well honestly, it is because it is the town where my boyfriend lives and I want to hang out with him. But I am pleasantly surprised at what the town has to offer, quiet beaches and plenty of cafes. The hostel I am staying at is so lovely, even though I still had to pay for the wifi -__- 

But it is an old beautiful building with classic leather couches, a spacious patio and--a ping pong table! I'm excited, the staff is kind and my roommates have been fabulous. The first one I met is an 80 year old lady from New Zealand, who used to practice psychology in Papa New Guinea and is traveling alone. Talk about an inspiration.

^chalkboard at my hostel^

I'm going to rest my ankle for the night pull down the underwear hanging above me in order to dry, hope to start off with my free yoga class in the morning, then figure out how to get an Australian SIM card so I can start applying for jobs. 

xoxx

16. Surfing!

We got to Sydney in the afternoon of the 28th and stayed with Dave's friend Ben for two nights. He made us an awesome asian omelette and I failed to make them biscuits and gravy for breakfast. It is difficult to make an American meal NOT in America... the sausage was too lean and the biscuits had to be made from scratch, all with ingredient that are "close enough". Also, let's be honest, I am just not a very good cook. Ben was a superb host, he patiently explained cricket to me, turns out that game takes a LOT of patience because it can last up to five days.  We watched the St. George Dragons win the Rugby game against Manly and he gave me the grand tour of the beaches. I got my first Bondi beach experience, but didn't get up on a surf board until 31st. See!!

So surfing is exhausting. And there is a lot a surfer has to know about the ocean and the ways of the world for their sport. I was impressed and challenged and thrilled when after three hours I rode a wave. I also hurt my foot in the process. But whatevs... battle wounds. 

My next hostel has yoga and surf board rentals for free everyday. <3

15. Karen

Whoops! It has been a while since I last had enough internet connection (or good things to say).

No surprise, but I LOVED Melbourne. It is going to be difficult to decide where to spend the rest of my time in Australia. Now that I am back in Sydney, I figure it may be easiest to look in this area. Let me tell you how I got back to Sydney from Melbourne... Karen. Karen was the RV we got as a relocation deal, (so only $5 a day!!!) We took the allotted three days to drive back along the coast and sleeping parking lots and one AMAZING campground at Wilson's Promontory.

^Squeaky Beach--sand so fine it squeaks when you walk on it!^

After that we stayed in an adorable oceanside town called Eden, famous for its whale watching, where I tried mussels and my first Rekorderlig. Now anytime Dave wants to order me a beer... he already knows what I want: Rekorderlig. He also so graciously spent the rest of the time driving between. Karen did just fine, we stayed the night in a parking lot in Eden and I was nervous someone was going to wake us up and make us leave all night. Karen was loud and annoying to drive and at night, with the strong winds, we got seasick from her rocking. But she got us there in the cheapest way besides walking. 

Thanks Karen.