I guess you can say this begins the existential part of the trip. Leaving Dave in Newcastle to attend to his life, I'm wondering what my life is all about. I've been reading the book, "Wild" about a woman who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail alone for 100 days which has really spurred a lot of the questions.
First off: who am I when no one knows me? I am longing for my friends who remind me of who I am and what I believe in. Who believe in the best version of me. They love me despite the dirt in my fingernails and quiet darkness in my heart. Without those who expect the personal nuances, do I still have them? Am I still kind or outgoing? Or am I really just a product of those I surround myself with, good or bad?
Second of all: I feel like a fraud. I'm trying to be brave, but I question every step I take, like I am watching someone else do everything I want for myself. I choke back from crying regularly. I put music I don't like on my iPod because I want to like it. I want to stick to surfing until I conquer it, but dude--it is HARD & giving up is easy. I'd like to be the kind of girl who runs on the beach, but I can't even run in the street. I want to want that. I want to be adventurous, but I don't feel proud of myself yet.
Also, I don't want to be the kind of girl that everyone worries about when she is off on her own. I want to be the kind of girl people say, "She can handle her own"
Self awareness. The good and bad. A little anxiety to keep me on my toes I suppose.
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