To Whom It May Concern:

I'm still not confident on when it is appropriate to use "whom" instead of "who" but I will still claim to have strong written and verbal communication skills. The fact is, I need this job and I am hoping as a hiring manager, you take this as a sign I can at least google how to write a cover letter. I didn't list it on my Skills section, but Googling is how I obtained most skills, not college. I do know how to work Microsoft Word though. I'm not 80.

I see that your company can provide me with more money than I currently make unemployed. So I am applying because I have a bachelor's degree and almost no professional experience but I need you to look past that. I just need health insurance. I know I'll have to work with people who have had this job before you needed a degree, teach them to work Powerpoint, and pretend to give a fuck about their pet. I do not like pets. But I can fake it, like I will fake it through the first 6 months of this job that I am miserably under-qualified for. Honestly though, if you could at least give me an interview, my mom would be so happy. I smile so big when I'm nervous you'll probably hire me out of pity anyway.

Did you see my cell phone number? And my email address? And my mom's cell phone number? And my sister's house address? I'll put it down one more time in case you missed them. Feel free to contact me at your earliest convenience. Please email me, send a carrier pigeon, or text me at 2 am when you're drunk. I won't mind. Until then, I am going to finish this coffee and desperately stumble through online advertisements, attach the incorrect cover letter, submit it, realize my mistake and proceed to the wine in the fridge. 

TTYL XOXXX

i h8 myslf.

175. Surprise!

I've been hungry for the kind of hugs you receive when you walk in the door of someone who misses you. The people who make you cry from remembering how much you're loved. A city is just a city without those moments.

From family reunions and one side of the country to another, I am finally home... and for good. I guess I'm still trying to find exactly what "home" is. My mom is selling my childhood home, which is hella depressing, but also completely nessecary. We are made of the same cloth, hungry for adventure. Living as a nomad for over a year is tiring, now I am ready for a purpose. 

I am excited to have a career job, an apartment (preferably near a good coffee shop), a gym membership and a favorite bartender again. I've found that although each person in your life story has a purpose for you, they can't be your purpose. 

I am looking forward to having something to say. As much as I need love, I need growth. I need knowledge. I need to read, taste, touch and feel. I think that's what I wanted out of my adventure, a selfish year (and then some) to figure out what I had to say. 

This is it. 

Clichés are only clichés until you live them to your truth. 

You can't run from depression.

Love isn't all you need.

It is too much to ask for one person to fill all your buckets and be your world.

Living with regrets may help you fuck up less in the future.

Taking a risk is worth it, but be honest with yourself. 

And most of all: trust your own judgement. 

I thought talking about personal issues to everyone you meet at the bar was just like... an extrovert thing? I crave the opinions of others so someone will eventually just validate the opinion I already have. Turns out, not an extrovert thing. It's a confidence thing. I've never had to rely on myself so much as I have on this wonderful adventure. I've always had my mom or best friends to help me cope. When I couldn't emotionally articulate myself to people in either hemisphere, I just had to trust myself. I've honestly never been more proud of myself and the decisions I have made, and for once, I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I guess except you... because you're reading this... so I already am. 

Whatever. 

I'm not waiting on the comments. 

I'm just here to say, "Good job Sadie, You're growing up. Now get a fuckin job."

126.Friendcrush

 The hardest part of being away is the major lack of girl friends in my life. I have plenty of good people around and nice folks I spend time with, but up until now no one to call up and meet for a drink. I have been pretty low the past month, but these past two weeks I can really feel myself come out of the sadness, the longing hasn't left me though.

It really makes you question, what are the ingredients for a happy life?
Friends, family, locations, job, money?? Do we move on? Do we stand still? Grow or retreat?

Well tonight I have a friend and we are bowling and it makes me happy.
So at least I have the questioned answered for one more day.

108. Nothing to write home about.

That is the reason it has been almost a month since I've written. 
Two part problem: "Nothing" and "to write home". 

The nothings I have: No friends. No hair straightener. No girl's nights. No birthday parties. No family reunions. No car. No concerts with my sister. No BBQ's with my brothers. No goals. No s'mores. No money. No purpose. No idea what to do next. No answer to, "How is Australia?" or "How long will you be around?" No real conversations. 

So many nothing conversations and nothing days. I meet new people daily but have the same conversations with them all. They start with applauding me for being young and adventurous, then ask me how I like it. I keep it as generic as possible. Once I get past my explanations, how I met my boyfriend, what I did back home, what I plan to do here... we spend the last part of our interaction shitting on America: our accents, our healthcare, our education and gun obsessed Christian loonies. It exhausting to try to belong when deep down, you know it isn't where you want to be. Even though you want to want it. Some people say that a lack of interest is a sign of depression... but don't worry, it's just the nothing.

Then writing home... well it just reminds me of everything I am missing. I can't live in two world at once, one world always suffers. I could spend all day writing and reading and lapping up the details of the day-to-day life of whatever I am missing. That's honestly what I want to do. But then I am not  living in either world. Home tells me to stick to it, the happy part will come. Home tells me it will always be there. Home tells me it misses me. Home is each tear that I cry trying to find its way back.  Home sounds like Janis Joplin, Tina Turner and people remembering to talk in to your right ear. 

I am amazed I've been here 108 days. With each pay day I think to myself how I could leave the next morning and drink a bottle of wine on the front porch with my mom. But something on my walk home from work makes me smile, and I decide to try to fall in love with Sydney again tomorrow... until the next pay day comes. I think that's what living anywhere is all about, trying to make your nothing days into something days.

Object permanence.. knowing that when you open your eyes, everything will still be there, just the same as when you closed them. I just want to open my eyes to a life I recognize. Where I had friends close by and restaurants don't close so early in the city and there weren't so many opinions about what to do next with your life. 

This Billy Joel song found me three days ago, it burrowed a place in my chest and has stayed there, reminding me to breathe. I'm not sure why I find it so comforting or inspiring, but much like my dad, I've played it on repeat since then.  What is waiting for me?

Day 65. Rosebery

I have an apartment*
I am working 4 days a week.
I have three friends of my own.

I'm not in love with Australia, but I am trying.

*Dave and I are sharing a room in Rosebery with his/our friend Tom. His roommate conveniently just moved out on the day we were both talking about needing to find a place to live. Dave got a super neat creative space in Rosebery to do his knife making. So if you want to send me mail my address is: 67 rothschild, rosebery, NSW 2018

I am so proud of Dave for following his dreams. As proud as I am, I still selfishly end up thinking of where I am at in following my own dreams and ambitions. Am I doing enough to feed my soul? To find my happy?

Day 53. Something For Jess

That's the cafe I work at now. Three days a week, $15/hour in cash (super low for Australia), free bomb-ass-lunch and coffee.

I thought I could be barista, that dream flew out the window, they coffee hardcore here. But my boss is teaching me slowly, day by day. The staff I work with are all very cool... excuse me, hip. I'm living in the pit of hip here in Newtown. Where I can't tell the homeless from the hipsters and everyone has a turntable.

The mornings start off inspired and excited. The evenings go back in to looking at the next flights home and applying for big girl jobs in Chicago. My theory was right: 1st month = everything is new and exciting, 2nd month = pushing through being homesick and settling in, #rd month = deciding if I want to stay.

I guess I will take it pay day to pay day. Then I can always go to Thailand the next day.

That's my life right now.

Day 46 Homesick.

Actually day 40-46 has been homesick.

But let me start from back when I wasn't homesick. When I was doing amazing things in Cairns, when I snorkeled with Nemo, a barracuda and a shark. When I jumped off a 60 m tower. When I was laying in the sun with friends and didn't get a sunburn! Cairns was amazing, surrounded my mountains and rain-forest, it was like a better version of Florida. If I hadn't booked my plane ticket back to Sydney, I would've stayed longer. 

But now I am at the point of my trip I have been dreading... should I stay or should I go? 

I am back in Sydney. It is cold here. I am sick and I have applied to more than 20 jobs with no avail. I wanted to rent my own apartment because I am tired of living out of a backpack. I can't afford that though. I am running down to my last couple hundred dollars before I dip in to the New Zealand/Asia fund. So if I get a job, it will be 6 more months in Australia then two months traveling. If I don't get a job within the week. I really need to keep moving. 

Since I got here, the more people I met made me question: Why not stay for a whole year? Everyone else is doing it. I am strong enough to do it. I can get a job. I can make friends worth staying for, can't I? But I met a girl today and for the first time someone said, "Why does everyone stay here? You don't have force yourself to stay here to get the experience.'' Identifying what I have felt: that Australia is like America, except without the majority of the people I love. I am not convinced I want to stay here anymore.

Am I not giving it enough of a chance? Should I make a life for myself here and then leave in 6 months? What is the point of that? Do I go back home and get a job with only two weeks vacation? What is the point of that? 

Then I end at the oh-so-pleasant: WHAT AM I HERE FOR? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE? HOW DO I HUMAN?

Healthy right?

I guess what I really need to ask is what do I want out of Australia? Have I gotten it already? Is it time to move on? There is still adventure to be had in America. With all the people in my life I miss. 

Half of this blog post is questions. 

I don't know where to find the answers. 

I am going back to watching 'Pimp My Ride" with the other travelers who don't know what they're doing. 

34. Cairns

"Do one thing every day that scares you." Sunscreen, Baz Luhrman 

Yesterday:

Today: 

31. Mary Oliver

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one precious and wild life?"

The Summer Day, Mary Oliver

After reading a few sweet poems I had to have more, I've been missing it from my life. So I went to the used book store around the corner after I got off the bus of my tour of Jenolan Caves today and bought e.e. cummings selected poems 1923-1958. There, I found so much comfort in the memory of these poems that I have stored in my heart... "and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart. i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"

The caves were beautiful... but the children on the tour with me... I could've strangled. Should we agree to just leave children under 8 in Disney World? 

Although it made me laugh to remember my dad, and how the first time I learned of stalactites were with him, and he marveled at the caves. It is humbling to be so small amoungst something massive and inspiring. I get it now dad. 

29. Train Thoughts

I'm on the way to Katoomba, to spend three days exploring the Blue Mountains before I leave on the 16th for Cairns. I'll spend 8 days there scuba diving and bungy jumping.

I guess you can say this begins the existential part of the trip. Leaving Dave in Newcastle to attend to his life, I'm wondering what my life is all about. I've been reading the book, "Wild" about a woman who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail alone for 100 days which has really spurred a lot of the questions.

First off: who am I when no one knows me? I am longing for my friends who remind me of who I am and what I believe in. Who believe in the best version of me. They love me despite the dirt in my fingernails and quiet darkness in my heart. Without those who expect the personal nuances, do I still have them? Am I still kind or outgoing? Or am I really just a product of those I surround myself with, good or bad? 

Second of all: I feel like a fraud. I'm trying to be brave, but I question every step I take, like I am watching someone else do everything I want for myself. I choke back from crying regularly. I put music I don't like on my iPod because I want to like it. I want to stick to surfing until I conquer it, but dude--it is HARD & giving up is easy. I'd like to be the kind of girl who runs on the beach, but I can't even run in the street. I want to want that. I want to be adventurous, but I don't feel proud of myself yet. 

Also, I don't want to be the kind of girl that everyone worries about when she is off on her own. I want to be the kind of girl people say, "She can handle her own"

Self awareness. The good and bad. A little anxiety to keep me on my toes I suppose.

27. Raymond Terrace

So much has happened in the past ten days. Right now I am in Raymond Terrace, at Dave's family's house for a few days. We had Easter on their uncle's farm and I was over loaded with chocolate... which I really don't mind. Dave and I met up with his friend Tom in his family home at Nelson Bay, and we played around on their jetski, turning it off in the middle of the bay and surrounded by about 15 dolphins. The babiest of dolphins splashing and twirling about like it just learned how to swim.

On the 8th, the night before Dave picked me up to stay with him and his family in Raymond Terrace, I decided to take a bottle of wine and my book down to the ocean to relax. After about 15 minutes, a guy from a group of people 10 feet over, invites me to join their group. As the conversation flows I learned that Michael Franti is 5 blocks away, starting a show in 30 minutes. In shock that they aren't there, I convince one of them to go with me and I end up at the best concert I've ever been to in this hemisphere.

Tonight while Dave is at work, I am attending a family friend's Mexican themed birthday party dressed as a Day of the Dead bride... I'll update with pictures.

17. Newcastle

Most of the time when I tell people I'm staying a week in Newcastle, their reply is, "why?"

Well honestly, it is because it is the town where my boyfriend lives and I want to hang out with him. But I am pleasantly surprised at what the town has to offer, quiet beaches and plenty of cafes. The hostel I am staying at is so lovely, even though I still had to pay for the wifi -__- 

But it is an old beautiful building with classic leather couches, a spacious patio and--a ping pong table! I'm excited, the staff is kind and my roommates have been fabulous. The first one I met is an 80 year old lady from New Zealand, who used to practice psychology in Papa New Guinea and is traveling alone. Talk about an inspiration.

^chalkboard at my hostel^

I'm going to rest my ankle for the night pull down the underwear hanging above me in order to dry, hope to start off with my free yoga class in the morning, then figure out how to get an Australian SIM card so I can start applying for jobs. 

xoxx

16. Surfing!

We got to Sydney in the afternoon of the 28th and stayed with Dave's friend Ben for two nights. He made us an awesome asian omelette and I failed to make them biscuits and gravy for breakfast. It is difficult to make an American meal NOT in America... the sausage was too lean and the biscuits had to be made from scratch, all with ingredient that are "close enough". Also, let's be honest, I am just not a very good cook. Ben was a superb host, he patiently explained cricket to me, turns out that game takes a LOT of patience because it can last up to five days.  We watched the St. George Dragons win the Rugby game against Manly and he gave me the grand tour of the beaches. I got my first Bondi beach experience, but didn't get up on a surf board until 31st. See!!

So surfing is exhausting. And there is a lot a surfer has to know about the ocean and the ways of the world for their sport. I was impressed and challenged and thrilled when after three hours I rode a wave. I also hurt my foot in the process. But whatevs... battle wounds. 

My next hostel has yoga and surf board rentals for free everyday. <3

15. Karen

Whoops! It has been a while since I last had enough internet connection (or good things to say).

No surprise, but I LOVED Melbourne. It is going to be difficult to decide where to spend the rest of my time in Australia. Now that I am back in Sydney, I figure it may be easiest to look in this area. Let me tell you how I got back to Sydney from Melbourne... Karen. Karen was the RV we got as a relocation deal, (so only $5 a day!!!) We took the allotted three days to drive back along the coast and sleeping parking lots and one AMAZING campground at Wilson's Promontory.

^Squeaky Beach--sand so fine it squeaks when you walk on it!^

After that we stayed in an adorable oceanside town called Eden, famous for its whale watching, where I tried mussels and my first Rekorderlig. Now anytime Dave wants to order me a beer... he already knows what I want: Rekorderlig. He also so graciously spent the rest of the time driving between. Karen did just fine, we stayed the night in a parking lot in Eden and I was nervous someone was going to wake us up and make us leave all night. Karen was loud and annoying to drive and at night, with the strong winds, we got seasick from her rocking. But she got us there in the cheapest way besides walking. 

Thanks Karen.

7. Penguins

These past two days have been slow starts, ever since we extended our stay in Melbourne. We worked out a relocation deal where for very little cost, we can drive a campervan back to Sydney from 26th - 28th letting us do some exploring along the way. Until then, we've had some calm rainy days here. 

Yesterday we took the tram to St. Kilda area to see the penguins. We strolled down Ackland Street, where I officially fell in love with Melbourne. Tons of busy cafes and neat restaurants with people along the street selling their handmade jewelry. We got Fish N Chips, like Dave said a proper Aussie would, and ate on the grass near Luna Park surrounded by seagulls.

The strangest part of the day was the bustle of IronMan supporters and participants. Watching them push through the last leg of their race and their loved ones running alongside them cheering them on brought me to tears. I can't exactly explain why, but I thought it was beautiful. I wish I could say it inspired me to go for a run this morning... Not so much.

 After I spent my time in the sun and it was setting, we wandered down the pier with a hundred other people to wait for the penguins to come back to their nest. They came out after about an hour, only saw about four of them but heard the rest nuzzling each other before bed. 

6. Z

Yesterday Dave's friend Zrinka showed us around Melbourne. We ate Chinese food in Chinatown, browsed through Rose St. Art Market, drank beer in Fotzroy and had coffee in the lanes. Which is where I found out that 'iced coffee' is coffee with a dollop OF ICE CREAM. So that made me unexplainably happy. After a stressful morning of planning our way back to Sydney, we are going to St. Kinda beach to hopefully see the Penguins. It could only get better if the Penguins come with a dollop of ice cream as well. 

^the lanes

4. Food

Queen Victoria's market is only a few blocks away from our hostel. It is amazing how long you can walk around and stare at fresh food. A market that is open 6 days a week ALL YEAR, not for tourists but for people to actually do their grocery shopping. So we did just that in order to save money from all the eating out we were doing and admittedly, all the coffee I've been drinking. For dinner, an authentic Australian BBQ prepared by an Australian: kangaroo shish kebabs and corn on the cob.  

I bought a box of strawberries to eat on yet another rooftop and read my book.

3. We Crawled.

...metaphorically. We drank... literally though. We danced. We made friends. We ended with meat pies when I so badly wanted McDonalds. 

2. Edit

Take back what I said about the boring breakfasts... The Flat White itself makes up for it all.

2. Sydney

I got to kiss my boyfriend and ate all the free food I could get on the plane. I actually had a hard sleep on the plane with some graceful help of my NyQuil pills and was geared up for the day after I landed. 14 hours on a plane seemed mild compared to the 30 hour bus ride I took to get to Florida last week and fell asleep on an ex-con's shoulder.

We made it out of the airport but wandered around far too long before Dave's sister, Lucy, graciously picked us up. She fed me some coffee and fruit and let us hang about until our hostel would let us in. Kangaroo/Emu pizza, aka the Coat of Arms and Little Creature Beer was my first meal or... I guess afternoon tea (the light meal snack thing between lunch and dinner to make up for the boring breakfasts in these parts). The view from our hostel is to die for 

As Dave said, "two minute noodles, a water bottle full of vodka and this view is the backpacker's life." It has only been two days in Sydney but I'll be coming back, hoping to find work in this city. It is magnificent. Last night we met friends of Dave's for dinner and drank and laugh and I was so happy that he has such lovely people to introduce me to. 

1. Flights

All I can say is that I am the luckiest girl around. This past summer when I traveled in Europe with my best friend, Sam, we met LA native Chris at our hostel in Nice, France. After following him around there, we decided to meet up again with him in Barcelona. Chris being the friendly guy he was, Chris was also meeting a different friend in Barcelona, Ricardo. Us four hit it off and hung around Ricardo while he was on his layover with his awesome job of being a flight attendant for Delta Airlines. Through this crazy connection of people, Sam decided to apply to be a flight attendant... And got it! For a frame of reference: based on the rate of acceptance, it is harder to get a job as a flight attendant than it is to get in the Harvard. Girl is awesome.

How does this relate to me? Well, like I said, I am the luckiest girl around and Sam gave me a companion ticket from her flight attendant benefits. A $1,500 ticket for $250 Standby ticket. Sydney here I come. It will be 24 hours of traveling and was a little bit of crying (ok more than a little)when I said goodbye to my mom.  But I am looking forward to the free pretzels and kissing my boyfriend.

Story gets crazier... Waiting for my flight at LAX and I see Ricardo hanging out at the gate next to mine!! He was the good omen I needed.

Prologue: Adventure in Australia

I've felt this emptiness before.

I am at the cusp of bravery, standing at the edge, hands shaking looking over the cliff of new experiences and taking risks. Where I cry every fifteen minutes or so then promptly pull my lips into a smile. Behind me is my mom rubbing my cheek with the silk edge of my baby blanket as I fall asleep, playing with my big sister's hair or sitting as close to on-top-of my best friends on the couch.

Ahead of me: emptiness. Only space for me to fill with new failures, new loves, new adventures. The unknown makes me nauseous, which is what happens when you have too much excitement on a terrified stomach... also too much coffee on an empty stomach.

Four years ago at this very time I was a freshman in college living in the dorms at CMU. I had just been offered the opportunity to become an RA on the floor just above me (disciplinary disaster floor), which is all I could have imagined wanting at that point of my life(only because I didn't know the hell that would soon ensue). Mind you I was 19, only 3/4 the way through my first year, being put in charge of students my age who I had partied with earlier that year. I was all alone in a dorm, typically filled with 400 of my friends, with everything packed in to boxes, crying and watching Netflix. Early the next morning I was going to NYC on a spring break trip that defined my religious habits and the very day I got back from that trip I was to be moved in to my new room.

My qualms with accepting the job was mainly being nervous I would lose my two best friends, who I were now technically my "residents" and we couldn't do many of the best friend things that freshman best friends do (aka get trashed in our dorm rooms). Turns out, it was the best decision I had ever made. Being an RA in Wheeler made me a better person and I was proud that I took a more difficult path, by choice, and it was more than I could've hoped for.

Once again, by choice, I am taking the road less traveled, hoping to come out more of the person I want to be. The person I am, is shaped by the experiences in my life that were typically out of my control. I want it to be my choice now, I want to shape the experiences that shape me.

I've learned that friends still stick around, even when you can't drink in the dorms with them anymore. The people in my life are truer than most, hearts so sincere and encouraging that I will be able to feel their love over the ocean. My mother gave me wings. She did more than just say I can accomplish my dreams, she showed me by pursuing her own. My dad would be turning in his grave by the mere idea of me going outside without a helmet on... but he would be happy that at least I am bringing sunscreen.

Now, surrounded by boxes of my life, hanging over a cliff, shaking and crying but something still pulls me in to this emptiness, a picture I so badly want to paint myself... also a super awesome boyfriend in Australia. With so many unanswered questions: When will you come home? What will you be doing? Why are you going? Literally my only answer is: why not.

Gap Year: Part 2

My mom laughed at me when I told her that being an adult was hard.  I mean, she was right. I was working two part time jobs, living in her house, eating her food and still calling her when I needed to get my car fixed. My mom is usually right. She didn't laugh at me when I told her I have decided to go to Australia for up to a year. She told me that it is something I probably need to do before I am actually an adult. She is right.

So when I look at my decision to stay undecided about my future, guilt and anxiety rushes through my veins. A pang of disappointment when people ask me, "Is this all about a boy?" because I can't say, "No, it's only about me." It is because of a boy... but not for a boy.

It is for me.

It is about giving love a chance for once. So far, being in a long distance relationship feels like being single. Except without every fun part of being single. It feels like being in a relationship. Except without almost every fun part of being in a relationship. It still feels like a table for one, third wheel invites and Friday night with Netflix... and only Netflix. It's like watching Grease 2 because it is on TV and you just missed watching Grease. It's knowing you can't cry loud enough for them to hear your tears. So you have to call them and say, "I am sad and need you to comfort me." They can offer sweet words but no hugs. It is strong and fragile and incomplete... but full of hope and love. Enough to fill hours of skyping, just to call back and say you haven't had enough. Enough to sit through lonely holidays because being without them is better than not having them at all. Enough of it to give me courage to pick up and follow my uncertainties to the other side of the world.

I have three regrets in my life, one of those including the time in preschool when I told my mom I didn't want to ride in her car for a class field trip. The second, was the bullshit college major I chose. The third was not listening to my heart when I should've taken a risk. Three is enough. I won't let myself hold myself back again.

The closer the time comes for me to go, the more I realize that I have zero of my shit together; another sign that I am not adult. But I am excited to pay the consequences of my shortcomings. To take a risk and roll with it, however it may turn out. I think that is how you become an adult. I'm not sure. Maybe. I guess we shall see, eh?